I really do , just because the weather is down ( oh yeh maryum was talking about this on her blog) , I suddenly have to come down just  cos the sun is not up, I become soooooo happy when I see the sun , it fills my heart with light I know it sounds cheesy . But it really does . Now the weather is all dull and gloomy and here I am dull and gloomy with it .That is British weather for you ! no wonder on the tube everyones face looks all errrrrrrr. In london people have issues with smiling , if you smile they give you this look like ‘errr why are you smiling at me ? ‘ maybe its because I like smiling you , dont look at me like im weird . Your weird for not smiling back .

Anyways this is just a post about moaning my iritation about british weather .

Asalam aalaykum , here is a good website for ruqya , his name is ‘IQBAL SALAFI’ he is based in pakistan , his website gives numbers of ruqyist all over the world who do it properly , on quran and sunnah .

Heres the website

http://www.islam-universe.com/Exorcism.html

I knew this woman , who got divorced at teh age of 30 with four daughters ! . She thought she would never get married again , in fact she never wanted to get married again . But that all changed when this sister was looking for a husband for her . So she went through a few marriage interviews and proposels .Then this man came , he is from iraq but he is kurdish . He is a few years younger then her and has never been married before . Yet he agreed to marry her . Yes he has papers before anyone wonders .

  A year later she had a baby boy with him , no their marriage was not a fairy tale story , their were a few issues at the beginning . Alhamdullah they got resolved . What I find so fascinating about this man , is he takes care of her daughters so well . He watches them and gives them lectures on why they should not talk to boys . He even wants to pay for their islamic education . He takes care of her girls like their his own .

While their real dad does not so . Due to the lack of religiousness in her ex husband . I really think this is allahs rehma that she has married this man . Why can’t people believe that their are good people out their and they do marry for the sake of allah and not just for the sake of ‘things’ .

I always say to her thank allah you married a good sincere man . One other thing he does is he  gives them Arabic classes ( their Pakistani) , how many men do that ? . I think what really brought the family together was when she had a son with him , that son is her daughters brother. So in turn it brought everyone together .

I never wanted a girl , for a very good reason , i just did not want to deal with the pain of a bringing up a girl . How am I as a mother going to protect her from this evil world , that is so not kind to a woman! Men these days even perve on little girls .

When I was pregnant with her I was so certain I would have a boy , I had dreams that i was going to have a boy . I even bought boys clothes , my girl spent 6 months in boys clothes  no wonder people mixed her up . She is a prety little two and half year , I have actually been told she looks just like me but better looking , should i be flattered or insulted ? . On one hand if a girl is prety you will be worrying about all the attention she may get , and if she is ugly you will be worrying about her self esteem . You can never win .

When the midwife gave her to me and said its a girl , and she looks like you ‘look’ , i was like ‘huh’ , I was so certain she would give me a baby boy in my arms , that when she gave me a girl I was like ‘huh’ . At first I was taken back at how she was so prety ( mashallah ) , she has huge inocent eyes . Then I was oh no , its a girl . Poor girl . Now i feel this is allahs way of teaching me ,  making me realize that their is  wisdom behind  everything he decides.

Having my girl has given me a lot of ambitions in bringing her up , she will also make me a better person , She is my teacher in a strange way .I still carry some stresses about her future , how will I deal with her when she is a teenager ? I am already finding her age as a two and half year old tough , I just don’t know how to cope as a mother at times . She has a mind of her own ( hmm wonder where she gets that from ) .

Every time I think about this i start getting a little nervous , regardless of which century a woman will always be discriminated no matter what . Men have it easy ,I really feel men do not realize how easy they have it .A man can have ten kids and he will still be able to marry a virgin girl , a woman may have just been married before and after that she will be labelled as divorced and second hand . I hope you see why at times I hate  being a woman , but then again i should be pleased ,allah made me a woman for a very good reason that I do not know .

So does a woman have a chance in getting married to a good man ? I really do wonder , I have seen examples of that happening . But still i fear , especially when your frowned upon by your own mother . It’s easy finding a man , the problem is finding a good suitable compatible man . After you have gone through a painful relationship you just fear , fear and fear . Especially for somoene who has not had things given to her on her plate . I’v had to prety much fight for everything , from what I believe in to what it is right . Guess thats life if you want to be a believer . You can not just lay back and accept that which you know allah does not like . Or your rights taken away , when allah has given them to you why should you give them up ? , to become a door mat ? . Or be lenient over which you know allah does not like , ie , lieing and being deceitful . Or allowing oppression all for the sake of ‘you do not want to deal with what may come afterwards’ .

I am in love with the idea of being ideal in every way , which I KNOW I need to get over , give it a few more years inshallah I will get over it , amal you will never be ideal . You were never meant to be …….at times I just have tears in my eyes , knowing life was never meant to be sweet . When your going through pain , it is hard to keep your sanity .Then something reachs out to me , telling me to get up and reminding that whatever it is i do not get in this life , I will get in the hereafter . So don’t be sad .

What is taqwa ? taqwa is when you fear allah , let me break it down , it’s when every action you do you check yourself , you only do what allah loves and you stay away from what allah doesn’t love . Taqwa keeps you away from sinning , taqwa keeps you strong . You know everything is from allah , no one can break you , because you only fear allah and you trust allah . You will not be intimidated by anyone  to backdown from obeying allah . Their is so much more to taqwa , what I have just said is just some of things of what taqwa is .

 It’s funny how people forget their gona die , how can you forget your gona die ? its like forgetting your hungary .I think it is the lack of taqwa that makes muslim the way they are , we need to make dawah to ourselves before we make dawah to anyone else .

I feel angry at muslims by the way their behaving , I feel they have gotten away from the whole idea of being muslim , being is muslim is not just five pillars of islam , being a muslim is submitting to allah . Which most people know yet they dont do . Before I never completely understood what it means to submit to allah , this marriage of mine tuaght me to submit to allah . From that day I awoke , I will refer every issue of mine to allah . Now I want to win allahs love , before anyone elses . Winning allah’s approvel , winning allahs love is true success . It is what I call freedom . Freedom is having taqwa , freedom is loving allah .

Lack of taqwa is problematic , when you have lack of taqwa its easy for you to oppress ,theirs two types of oppression . One were you oppress yourself  and two you oppress others . Oppressing others is more serious , you lose your good deeds that way .

It’s really sad to see the way muslims are to day , it is something I really need to move on and accept .

At the moment I am going through a marriage separation, he was desperate to save the marriage so he has left me the apartment and has moved out . How do I feel , I know this is an awful thing to say , but I actually feel relieved and happy . I do have confusion over what is a relationship I mean an islamic one , I just don’t get it . I have decided that if he wants to give it another try I will put some harsh conditions down that has to be met if he wants to give it another try .

 I guess for so long you put up with things , you never get anything back except the same person , it makes you feel enough is enough , now I have to put my foot down . Their harsh for him , but in actual reality it is just my islamic rights I am asking for , that for so long he could not cope with . The major problem is how I feel about him , I have absolutely no feelings for him , which is why i do not miss him and feel relieved he has left the flat . I have been away from him for three weeks now and I do not feel anything . Before I had the seperation I was away for two weeks and just felt so good and relaxed , when I came back he thought I would be all different and be some new woman . He was extremely dissapointed I wasn’t , he can not accept the fact that I really am over him .

So why would why I even give it another try ? well maybe after three months if he accepts the conditions , then I will try and give it another try for the sake of allah, I need to get a closure on my marriage . If he ends it then I will go along with it , thats a sign for me thats its over . Now if I still find it hard coming back to him , then I won’t have second thoughts and just go for the divorce , because now I have tried and thats finale.

I never thought that marriage is painful , depressing and just plain hardwork . I am so put of relationships , I can not imagine myself happily married , which is not good because that being negative . These are just my feelings at the moment . What does   life have to offer ? nothing but trials after trials . This relationship has been exhuasting but I feel I caused all this grief for myself , well at least I aknowledge I am the cause.

yeah know when I got married I remember working so hard to perfect my cooking , then I learnt to bake and people like my cakes .Now I can do prety much anything to do with housework , give me a recope I will follow the recipe and theirs a beautiful cake . I realized how much I love creating things from the kitchen . At the same time I love reading and learning , all I want to do is learn . I love it . Life is to deep then what you can achieve in the kitchen . Even if this marriage does end I would have achieved many things , I know how to cook wonderful meals , I know how to make desserts , I know how to deal with men ( to an extent) , I learnt femenism does not work , I learnt to be easy going , I learnt it is fear that allows people to oppress you ,  I also learnt to let go of the ego, and so much more that I cant remember . This marriage has made me grow , in a way its good he put me through all that crap , but now I find myself wanting to save people , I don’t like people making the same mistakes I did . I know the pain , its very painful .

US SOLDIER ADMITS TO RAPE IN IRAQ!!

I found this extremely disturbing …

Such a beautiful day to day

the sun is out

the birds are singing

everything just seems perfect

the long road I walk on

With the green , green trees

it is almost deceptive

just for that one moment

you breath in the spring air

and you feel that life is perfect …

For the first time in ages the sun was out from the very first moment I awoke from my sleep , the first thing I thought was right I am going to take my daughter out to the park and spend the day with her their . So I did I prayed dhuhur and went to the park . Where I live is a very nice area , I love walking on my long road , it is just so pretty . The houses look so stunning , and  theirs trees everywhere . I could never live in the city , I love smelling and seeing nature . It brings me peace . I love looking at beauty .

 Everytime I walk past one of those attractive houses , that gives you the image of a ‘perfect’ life . I ask allah for a house in jennah . Each house over here is separate from the other houses , each house has its own gate , they have character to . Which is what makes them so attractive to look at .

Anyways I’m going off the topic here , something strange happened in the park , I was sitting down on the bench watching my daughter play , then this Pakistani family came in , their was this man with them . Seemed a little strange , he looked around my mothers age , like early forties . I just assumed hes the head of the family .I could feel his eyes on me , even though hes wearing sun glasses . At first I thought don’t be silly your imagining this , after like ten minutes he comes up to me and says ’sister if you don’t mind me asking , wear did you buy your hijab from?’ . I was so shocked and taken back by such a question , number 1 I wasn’t even wearing some fancy hijab , it was just a plain black one and two now your a guy why would you need to know such a thing ? . I just said I don’t know , the woman with him wont really wearing hijab the way I was . They were wearing  silwar kameez with a head scarf so I thought it was very strange as to why he was asking me . Their was about four woman their , so why are you asking me ?

 I know its bad but I do judge Muslim men who come to Muslim woman and ask them unnecessary questions . Some times I feel it is from shaytan , given my fragile situation that is going on in my life . Now you can clearly tell I am a mother and most likely married to , so dont you feel  shame to go and talk to her ?.

They changed everything ! I can not even find my blogroll , were has it gone ? I really don’t like the new lay out …